I’ve fallen off of the wagon. Well, I had just one cigarette. I feel really terrible about it and about myself.

I was out with my girlfriends. I was feeling a little cocky because I went out to a bar last week and I was able to stay strong. This time though, I thought that I was above it and that I had it under control. I know now that this is where I really screwed up. I let my guard down.

So anyway as the night wears on, I can feel myself getting weaker and weaker and my resolve softening. I was thinking to myself that just one wouldn’t hurt anything. I could just pick it back up tomorrow and besides, I’m still smoking a lot less than before. That was the rational that was circling through my mind at the exact moment that my friend Shelly asked me if I wanted a cigarette (she received a kick in the shin at the same time from my other friend Janice). “Yes, I do want one, just one,” I replied very composed. There were some shouts of protest, but I insisted that I knew what I was doing. That cigarette tasted incredible. I immediately felt guilty and wanted another as soon as if was over, instead, I just went home because I could feel myself going downhill fast.

I still have my resolve though. I’ve disappointed myself for sure, but I’m not ready to give up.